Answers for Young Men--Information for gay youth and
young men questioning their sexuality.
Or... What we wish our fathers could have told us.
What
does it mean to be gay?
Men
who call themselves gay are sexually attracted to and
fall in love with other men. Their sexual feelings toward
men are normal and natural for them. These feelings emerge
when they are boys and the feelings continue into adulthood.
Although some gay men may also be attracted to women,
they usually say that their feelings for men are stronger
and more important to them.
We
know that about one out of ten people in the world is
gay or lesbian (lesbians are women who are attracted
to other women). This means that in any large group of
people, there are usually several gay people present.
However, you cannot tell if someone is gay or not unless
he or she wants you to know. Gay people blend right in
with other people. But they often feel different from
other people.
Gay
teenagers may not be able to specify just why they feel
different. All of the guys they know seem to be attracted
to girls, so they don't know where they fit in. And,
they may not feel comfortable talking with an adult about
their feelings.
How
do I know if I'm gay?
"I
don't remember exactly when I first knew I was gay,
but I do remember that the thought of sex with men
always excited me"--Alan, age 19.
"I
never had any real attraction towards women, but
I really knew that I was gay when puberty began.
I felt an attraction toward the other boys and I
was curious to find out what they were like"--James,
age 17.
"One
day I was flipping through a magazine, there was
a cute guy, and bam! I knew"--Antonio, age 16.
You
may not know what to call your sexual feelings. You
don't have to rush and decide how to label yourself
right now. Our sexual identities develop over time.
Most adolescent boys are intensely sexual during the
years around puberty (usually between 11 and 15 years
old), when their bodies start changing and their hormones
are flowing in new ways. Your sexual feelings may be
so strong that they are not directed toward particular
persons or situations, but seem to emerge without cause.
As you get older you will figure out who you are really
attracted to.
Boys
with truly gay feelings find that, over time, their
attractions to boys and men get more and more clearly
focused. You may find yourself falling in love with
your classmates or maybe developing a crush on a particular
adult man. You may find these experiences pleasurable,
troubling, or a mix of the two. By age 16 or 17 many
gay kids start thinking about what to call themselves,
while others prefer to wait.
If
you think you might be gay, ask yourself:
When
I dream or fantasize sexually, is it about boys or
girls?
Have
I ever had a crush or been in love with a boy or a
man?
Do
I feel different than other guys?
Are
my feelings for boys and men true and clear?
If
you cannot answer these questions now, don't worry.
You will be more sure in time. You and only
you know how to label yourself correctly.
Making
contact:
So,
you may be ready to find out more. Start by reading.
If you feel comfortable, ask the librarian in the "Young
Adult" section of your public library. Librarians are
usually glad to help. If your library does not have
much on sexuality you may want to check out the "GAY" section
of a large bookstore, or possibly order books and other
material through the mail. Please note that not all
books about gay people are supportive.
Try
calling a gay hotline. Most major cities have one.
You may want to call from a phone booth or your own cell phone for privacy.
They will let you talk about your feelings and will
direct you to organizations that help gay people. There
may even be a gay youth group in your area. Some helpful
resources are listed on this web-site http://www.questioningyouth.org/
Remember,
gay people are out there, wherever you are. Trust your
instincts. Sooner or later you will meet someone who
feels some of the same things you do.
"When
I first met another gay person, I felt excited, anxious,
nervous and happy. There was an indescribable relief
to know that I was not alone, that there was someone
else like me. It was also intimidating, not knowing
what to expect, but I quickly loosened up and felt
relaxed" -- Nathan, age 18.
"When
I first made contact with another gay man, I felt
a tremendous relief. I couldn't believe I had made
a connection. I felt happy but also scared. I felt
that I could do or say anything and not worry about
it"--Alan, age 19.
"When
I first met another gay person, it was incredible,
refreshing, reassuring, touching, awesome, and wonderful"--James,
age 17.
Will
I ever have sex?
Naturally,
you think about finding an outlet for your sexual
feelings. Becoming a healthy sexual person is part
of the coming out process. You may be scared at the
prospect of having sex. This is normal for everyone.
No one should start having sex until they are ready.
Until then, you may choose to masturbate or fantasize.
Sex
should only happen between mature individuals who
care about each other. You will know when the time
is right.
We
all choose to have sex in different ways, whether
we are gay or straight. Gay men choose from a wide
range of sexual practices, including masturbation
(either alone or with another person), oral sex,
anal intercourse, kissing, hugging, massage, wrestling,
holding hands, cuddling or anything else that appeals
to both partners. You are in complete control over
what you do sexually and with whom.
What
about AIDS?
All
sexually active people need to be aware of AIDS as
well as other sexually transmitted diseases. Being
gay does not give you AIDS, but certain sexual practices
and certain drug use behaviors can put you at risk
for catching the virus that causes AIDS. AIDS is
incurable, but is preventable.
Here's
how to reduce your risk of getting AIDS:
Do
not shoot up drugs. Sharing needles is the most dangerous
behavior in terms of getting AIDS.
Avoid
anal intercourse or other direct anal contact. Anal
intercourse transmits the virus very efficiently. If
you do engage in anal sex, use a condom every time!
Use
condoms whenever you engage in anal or oral sex (or
vaginal sex if you have sex with women). You should
choose latex condoms that are fresh and undamaged.
Store them away from heat (your wallet is not a good
pl ace to keep them). Use a condom only once. Try to
choose condoms with "reservoir tips", and be sure to
squeeze out the air from the tip as you put it on.
Hold on to the condom as you remove your penis; sometimes
they slip off after sex.
Choose
sexual activities that do not involve intercourse:
hugging, kissing, talking, massaging, wrestling or
masturbating (on unbroken skin).
Boylinks - Directory of boy related web resources. |
Learning
to like yourself
"I
had to reject a lot of negative heterosexual and
religious programming that made me feel lousy about
myself as a gay person. I began to like myself by
meeting other gay people and going to a gay support
group. After that I was content with myself"--Bill,
age 18.
"My aunt is a lesbian, and she made it clear to me, before
I even knew I was gay, that being gay was OK"--Antonio,
age 16.
"I accepted the facts, which means that I don't
deny being gay and I don't pretend to be someone I'm
not"--Alan, age 19.
It's
not easy to discover that you are gay. Our society makes
it very clear what it thinks of gay people. We all hear
the terrible jokes, the hurtful stereotypes and the wrong
ideas that circulate about gay people. People tend to
hate or fear what they don't understand. Some people
hate lesbians and gay men. Many people are uncomfortable
being around lesbians and gay men.
It's
no wonder that you might choose to hide your gay feelings
from others. You might even be tempted to hide them from
yourself.
You
may wonder if you are normal. Perhaps you worry about
people finding out about you. Maybe you avoid other kids
who might be gay because of what people will think. Working
this hard to conceal your thoughts and feelings is called
being in the closet. It is a painful and lonely place
to be, even if you stay there in order to survive.
It
takes a lot of energy to deny your feelings, and it can
be costly. You may have tried using alcohol or other
drugs to numb yourself against these thoughts. You may
have considered suicide. If so, please consult the phone
book for the Samaritans or other hotline. There are alternatives
to denying your very valuable feelings.
Check out the
resources listed on this web-site http://www.questioningyouth.org/
Who
should I tell?
"I
only tell other people that I'm gay if I've known
them for a long time and if they are accepting and
tolerant. I think it's important that they know about
this special part of me"--Bill, age 18.
"Since
I'm normal, I don't have to hide how I feel. But
you should make sure that you are comfortable with
your preference before you blurt it out to just anyone"--Nathan,
age 19."I tell people that I'm gay if I know that
they won't reject me, will accept me for what I am,
and won't try to 'straighten' me out. I test them,
I suppose, then I judge if I want to risk telling
them"--James, age 17.
More
and more gay kids are learning to feel better about themselves.
As you start to listen to your deepest feelings and learn
more about what it means to be gay you will begin to
be comfortable with your sexuality. This is the process
called coming out.
The
first step in coming out is to tell yourself that
you are gay and say, "That's OK." Later you may want
to tell someone else--someone you trust to be understanding
and sympathetic. You might choose a friend
or an adult. You will probably want to meet other
gay kids for friendship or a more intimate relationship.
Some gay kids are able to come out to their families.
You need to decide whether or not to tell your family,
and to choose the right time. Lots of people, including
parents, simply don't understand gay people and are
difficult to come out to. In the beginning, be cautious
about whom you tell.
But
it is crucial to be honest with yourself. Just as self-denial
costs you, coming out pays off. Most kids who accept
their sexuality say they feel calmer, happier and more
confident.
"No
matter what people say, you are normal. God created
you, and you were made in this [sic] image.
If you are non-religious, you were born and you have
a purpose, and being gay is only part of it"--Nathan,
age 19.
"Stand up for what you believe in, and don't
listen to what hate-mongers have to say. Stay proud
and confident"--James, age 17.
